Archived Article
co-owner of A Woman's Touch
Sex without Bounds
By Lesley Seacrist
Sex is supposed to be good, done often and limitless. And that goes for everyone, including those who fit into the disability spectrum. Those who don't believe that there is a solution to sexual hurdles don't know whom to ask. Let me introduce you to someone who knows the answers.
Ellen Barnard holds a Master’s degree in Social Work and co-owns A Woman's Touch, a sex boutique in Wisconsin that focuses on a woman's need for pleasure. She is also a sex educator and sex positive activist. Ellen spent 15 hardworking years supporting people with developmental disabilities, and helping them find a way to live in their own homes in their community. And she also has some important sex solutions for people with disabilities.
What would be your first piece of advice for a disabled person who is discouraged about having sex ?
It is discouraging sometimes! We are surrounded by images of temporarily able-bodied people having great sex, and lots of it, and we never see anything (or read or hear) that reflects the reality of how people with disabilities can enjoy healthy and rewarding sex lives. So the first thing to do is to understand that any frustration on your part is not your fault, nor is it the fault of your disability. The truth about sex and sexuality that no one talks about is that sex is an infinitely variable experience for all of us. Almost no one has sex the way it's portrayed in books, movies or TV. Most of us struggle with awkwardness, with the need to get to know our bodies and what gives us physical pleasure, and then finding ways to put that knowledge into action.
What are some of the stereotypes that revolve around people with disabilities and sex?
[Some stereotypes are] that people with disabilities are not sexual - somehow a change in either physical or mental ability means no interest in sex! That people with disabilities cannot enjoy sex. Very far from the truth, but since so many people equate sex with intercourse, if you look like you cannot have intercourse, then folks assume you can't have sex at all. That people with spinal cord injuries can't have orgasms (they often can, depending on the injury, and depending on how they re-map their pleasure zones). That people with cognitive disabilities aren't interested in sex, or are hyper-interested in sex.
What is behind some of the theories of why people with disabilities are thought to be asexual?
I think that anyone who doesn't fit our society's narrow version of what is "attractive" and "normal" runs the risk of being seen as asexual. Then throw in a change in how the body functions, and most people just figure that people with disabilities are too busy being "disabled" to think about, or want, sex.
What spectrum of disabilities affects sex? Does that include mental disabilities?
Since everything that goes on in our bodies and mind will affect our sexual experiences, it's not really possible to specify which disabilities affect sex. That's why it's better to think about sex as an individual experience, with infinite variations, so that you can say to yourself "this is how my body works, this is what my mind does with information, this is what I like, and this is what good sex is to me". Now, many of us will say "this is what good sex is to me" and we might be setting a standard that is impossible to reach with the way our bodies and mind work in real life, so it is important to aim for something realistic.
Are there any disabilities that might make sex impossible for an individual?
It depends on your definition of sex. If you define sex as penis-in-vagina intercourse, then yes, there are going to be some disabilities that would make this impossible. However, if you define sex as a variety of pleasurable activities that range from genital stimulation (in the many ways that can happen) to fantasizing, to breath-gasms (breathing that results in a state similar to the experience of orgasm), pretty much anyone can enjoy some kind of sex in their lives.
What do you think is the most important for someone with a disability to think about when it comes to sex?
Not to think too much about your disability! If you have the mindset that sexual pleasure and happiness is individually determined, then what you will be thinking about is, "What do I need and want to have a pleasurable experience?" I know it's a different way to think for many of us - many people have sex like automatons, without a lot of thought or planning. This works OK for a few people, but not very well for most, and certainly not well for those of us who have different needs for positioning, added stimulation, or variations in timing or how we approach arousal and sex play.
So the most important thing is to know and love yourself, know what your body likes, and learn to communicate that clearly. Don't be afraid to use toys and positioning aids to help you get the most pleasure out of your intimacy. And remember that good intimacy is a lot more than just sex that leads to orgasm. True intimacy is closeness and vulnerability that you are able to feel with another person, and the ability to be fully present during those very vulnerable moments. Orgasms are wonderful, but only one aspect of sex and intimacy.
For more hints and suggestions or sexual products, check out www.a-womans-touch.com
To ask Ellen a specific question, send emails to questions@fulcrum-magazine.net