Featured Article
Love Sees With The Heart
And Not With The Mind
By Squid Vařilekova, January 2008
Dating is a complicated topic. Similarly, mental illness is a
complicated topic. So, the topic of dating with mental illness must be approached cautiously, carefully, from the side, and ideally with a ten-foot pole, gloves, and a lion-tamer's suit.
Finding companionship and acceptance is difficult in our society, and for people living with mental illness, it is an ideal so many have deemed not even worth striving for. But, finding a partner to spend the years with and even the search for a partner to spend the years with is a biological right bestowed on all by Mother Nature simply for being one of her living creatures. One day, after getting fed up with
my self-imposed loneliness, I said to myself, "Damn it! If those
funky smelling female gingko biloba trees can successfully mate and
pollinate, so can I!" So, I ventured forth warily into the land of
dating.
I would say that I advanced slowly at first, but finding the waters
surprisingly warm and welcoming, I eventually become enough of a
success to verge on becoming a floozy. There are some truths about
dating with mental illness that no one ever tells you about. The
least self-evident of these truths smacked me across the frontal lobe
one day at the beginning of what I now refer to as my Floozy Years,
and it is something I used to my every well-timed advantage ever
since. Simply stated, if a man is not already established as a dear,
sweet friend of mine, upon learning I am certifiably insane, he will
invariably try to get into my pants.
I have a few theories on why this may be true. Please understand
that none of the following suppositions is at all
scientifically-based, field-tested, nor even psychiatrically-endorsed,
but they are my suppositions. And I am going to list them for your
general amusement.
Possible reasons casual acquaintances would want to get this madwoman
into bed:
1.) They want the crazy experience. So many men say, "I'll try
anything once," and maybe the curiosity gets them in the end.
2.) They think of it as a challenge. How many men have said, "A woman
like her would have to be crazy not to sleep with me."? Thus, if they
sleep with a crazy woman, they have conquered the final barrier to
their charms.
3.) Madness is sexy. This is the theory that makes the most sense to
me. The men simply think that madwomen like me must be all crazy in
bed. How could they not pursue?
4.) They want a woman who can tame anything. A woman who could
conquer mental illness is strong enough to keep him in his place.
Some men are into that.
Or, of course...
5.) Men will sleep with anything.
Regardless of their reasons, though, the result was always the same.
There were a few months there when I did not even have to buy
groceries; there were that many men trying to take me out and romance
me. Every single one of them knew I was in a precarious mental state,
and not one of them had any issue with it. Don't get me wrong, I
didn't invite all of those flies into my parlor, but I sure did have a
good ole time.
However, I wasn't just looking for cheap thrills. My Floozy Years
were a success and ended when I settled down with a wonderful
boyfriend. There are completely different rules of behavior when you
want to maintain a relationship than when you want to look for one;
though, I quickly learned.
First of all, if you want to keep that dreamboat exclusively yours,
you need to be committed to your regimen of therapy. See your doctors
regularly, talk to your therapists, and take the pills, take the
pills, take the pills. If for any reason any method of treatment is
not working up to par, get it fixed; get a recommendation for a new
doctor, or insist on different medications. If your regimen of help
doesn't have you up and feeling fabulous, you're not giving yourself,
your partner, or your relationship every chance you have in your
potential. Take care of yourself as best you can, and when things get
weird for you, you'll be able to count on that loved one helping you
through the tough parts. You have got to be giving it your best
effort, or nothing will come of nothing.
Secondly, be honest both with yourself and with others. Tell that
special someone about yourself and the reality of your health. Let
him or her know about everything you have been through. Be honest
with yourself about how difficult it is to live with mental illness,
and understand that the transition into trusting someone so completely
may be a slow process.
Also, please do not forget to be discerning. Never settle for too
little thinking no one else will come along. Know the difference
between what you really want and what you really can count on in each
of the people you date. Sometimes a short-term indulgence is all you
want, and if that is the case, a short-term indulgence is all you
should promise. If you are ready to settle down with THE ONE, though,
make sure the one you decide on is really ready to offer you all the
love or companionship you need. If not, set him or her free. Life is
too precious to waste on bad relationships.
Finally, never neglect to open your heart. People will not care for
you if you do not care for them. You have a mind, a soul, and a heart
to offer. You'll see, as the person you are seeing gets to know you,
gets to know the nuances of your mind, gets to enjoy the quirks and
crannies of your personality, that person will not care about previous
realities in which you may have lived. He or she will only care for
the you inside. Be careful not to hide.